//blog/the archives
10 Things I Need to Say
posted on: 2009-07-25 at 9:32:00 AM
Get as close to the actual price without going over
So it would behoove you to bid as low as possible without undercutting your chances by bidding below somebody else's bid -- yet for decades, dolts get on this show and completely fuck up their chances of winning anything!
Example: Say you think the item up for bids is worth $1250 and you are the last one bidding.
contestant #1 bids $1000
contestant #2 bids $1200
contestant #3 bids $1350
YOU WOULD LOGICALLY BID $1201! NOT $1250! That increases your chances of your bid winning by an order of magnitude! SIMPLE MATH.
2) People I cannot stand part 1:
Oprah Winfrey (can you believe I had to google her to get the name spelled right?) -- Her show is the most unimpressive pile of drivel I have ever seen. She prospects womens' lack of mental judgement by giving them stupid shit they don't need to stroke their egos and then rile them up by inviting attractive male cooks to make some useless dish on stage. News flash: Her show is merely a front to sell crap out of her store that nobody needs! Oprah uses the guise as leader and philathrapist to pedal her own profit-whoring stupid shit. What's worse? She uses her own inability to sustain her weight for EVEN MORE PROFIT!
Oprah: Why not just cut to the chase and start abusing meth-anphetymine? And then when you realize your a fucking fat meth-head, sell more magazines telling people about your struggles.
3) Why do people obey metered on-ramps lights but fail to obey lights at intersections? Think about this for a minute. If you run the red-light on a metered on-ramp, will a cop REALLY pull you over on the busy freeway during rush-hour to cite you for failing to wait four seconds for the next light? Answer: NO! (where would the cop even park to watch the infractions occur).
People: If you're in a hurry, I say JUMP the metered on-ramp light and then drive safely the rest of the way. If enough people catch on, you'd save yourself a good 10 - 15 minutes!
4) Stuff is never "on sale." Stuff sells for exactly what people will buy it for. The value in what you buy is exactly the amount that you paid for it. Stop acting like you got such a good fucking deal.
5) I've heard a LOT of people say things like "Obama needs to be more careful than most presidents because he's black." My response has always been: "No, Obama needs to be more careful because HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." Even if you believe the statement, the simple act of communicating that is perpetuating racist attitudes.
6) Those pictures in your MySpace profile don't look anything like you.
7) I don't mind elderly people taking a long time to go about their daily business in public -- I really don't -- but I do mind when they decide to take up THE ENTIRE FUCKING AISLE.
Trying to pass old people in the store is an artform that even the most seasoned shoppers have trouble mastering. It always starts with the polite "following" stride which is awkward enough trying to find the footing as to not look like a goon -- but it's that attempt to pass moment when FAIL is served.
Edna, when you're picking out which brand cotton-balls are the better value, please confine your search to the width of no more than three normal humans. I would like to get my cart passed your old-person vehicular camp-site -- thank you.
8) Fact: almost every public building has computers and printers. You REALLY don't have to stencil out individual letters, apply them at varying angles against sheets of differently-colored contruction paper and extenuate them glitter and streamers. We get the idea -- but it's UGLY AS FUCK.
9) All generalizations are false.
10) Twitter is a sensation. Just like SixDegrees, Hi5, Friendster, and Orkut all were. Sure, Twitter is changing things right now -- but as the old saying goes, "the more things change, the more they stay the same.." Eventually, we'll all be tired of squeezing our daily lives into little 140 character capsules. I'll even go far as to say that we might look back at this latest trend in ten years and laugh at how ridiculous things got...
But I've been wrong before.
posted by Carl
1 Comments: [ Post a comment ]
Courtney Van Zuyen said...
I hate to say this, but in many of the things you say, you sound very negative and unhappy. I completely agree and understand where you are coming from, but damn, CHEER THE FUCK UP.
Posted: July 25, 2009 3:32 PM
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